I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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