That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Is Oprah even human
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize