Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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