and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
