i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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