Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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