I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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