It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
