Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize
