Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
