Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
