"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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