I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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