So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
