Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
