I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
