All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
