Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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