; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
If I die, sorry about rent.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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