i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
