Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Oh god it's open bar.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
