i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
