Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
