She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
