my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
