vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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