You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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