When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
