So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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