just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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