It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
