life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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