If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
