Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
