He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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