i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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