i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
