I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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