You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
