dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
