It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I think my moral compass just broke
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