I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Green mimosas i think yes
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
