just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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