Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
