remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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