I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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