Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize