Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Randomize