I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
God, I missed his penis.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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