someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
wow bdsm is so cute
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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