just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
tell me about the fingering
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