Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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