I puked a lego.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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