I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
