every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
