Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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