oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
