I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
