yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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